Dog and Cat Diary

Imagine if we could really get inside the minds of dogs and cats.  What do you think might be going on in there?  But what if, in our wildest imaginations, it were possible for our pets to write their very own dog and cat diary.  Do you think they would look like these?  If so, these are pretty funny…and probably pretty close to the truth!  Enjoy…


8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

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16 Responses

  1. Kris says:

    Hello…I know you don’t mean any hurt feelings to others, though needed to tell you that the descriptive ‘retarded’ is offensive to many.

    Thanks for the opportunity to comment.

  2. Ken Wolman says:

    Re: the above comment on how easily some people are offended by telling the truth–John Callahan, author and cartoonist, and a paraplegic confined to a wheelchair, once said on a “Fresh Air” radio interview “I am not ‘physically challenged.’ Physically challenged is you after you climb a flight of stairs and run out of wind. I, on the other hand, am a cripple.” Why are we afraid of direct speech? If your feelings are hurt perhaps you ought to ask why.

  3. leafdebi says:

    We’re a bunch of nurses and we thought it was hilarious. We think the above comments are retarded. The dog probably is retarded. You all need to get a life.

  4. Kitty says:

    I TOTALLY AGREE! The dog is retarded! I thought this was very hilarious!

  5. Cindy says:

    This is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. Every time I read it, I laugh just as hard as I did the first time.

  6. Cindy says:

    I received this in an email with an additional entry in the cat’s diary….

    The bird has to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

  7. Tiffany says:

    I think that the diaries are great. For the true animal lover it catches the true essence of what a dog and a cat could be thinking! Don’t be so uptight about language and try and enjoy the harmless humor!

  8. retart says:

    surely you all can understand that someone with retarded children or knows retarded children/adults might find that term offensive since it is so regularly thrown around with malice. this blog post however was so light-hearted the context carries the label to good humor in poor taste. in much the same way jokes about race, sexual defilement, and aristocrats might make some people cringe. just a thought – there are plenty of other adjectives that can be used to describe just how brain dead dogs really are.

  9. moron says:

    I think you all are missing the point. A cat wrote this. Cats think that dogs are retards. More importantly, legally, one cannot edit another’s writing just because one doesn’t like it or they think it will offend. The comments by Kris [aka: Humourless] need to be addressed to the cat directly; in private and approached so the cat’s feelings don’t get hurt, preferably over a rainbow. Perhaps then, the cat may begin to appreciate that dogs are not truly retards, only misunderstood; and then, cats, dogs and all creatures of the earth will get along and respect one another in a way that will herald a new age where disease, war, and famine become things of the past and as God is my witness, no creature will ever harm another one’s feelings ever again!

  10. Adrianna says:

    Okay seriously Kris, you need to stop getting so offended by simple jokes. I’m Spanish and am made fun of all the time for my race as is my husband who is black, but we take it and don’t complain because people are going to make fun of you, but who cares? Don’t let it bug you and their comments have no pwoer over you. Just relax about that comment being offensive. I thought it was hilarious

  11. BA says:

    Many specialists have suggested that the word “retarded” is actually much more accurate than “mentally challenged”. “Retarded” literally means delayed or held back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment, and therefore is quite effective, especially in the context of this journal, which as someone astutely pointed out, was written by a cat, who obviously believes the dog is retarded. The sentence isn’t as hilarious without the cat’s comment, which many people chose to edit out in other, less humorous versions, like we are all in preschool or something. This journal is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.

  12. Jade says:

    when my mom showed me the diary of dog’s and cat’s i fell to the ground laughing. since then i was determined to find that email! since she couldn’t send it to me i looked through the computer for months! until today when i finally found the fall-on-the-ground-laughing email. i am pleased to have such funny “animals” in this world.


  13. sorrow says:

    I have to agree with Jade, I too fell about laughing imagining this cat, with furrowed brows, thinking the worlds against himher……This diary rocks!!

    P.s, I heartily concur, dogs ARE retarded!!

  14. Jade says:

    thank you for your agreement Sorrow -hint,hint,wink,wink,nudge,nudge-btw i do have to agree also dogs can be retarded at one point or another 🙂

  15. Sondhay Drivah says:

    As someone who is owned by a retard cat named “drunken kitty” in mandarin I find the diary above rather funny. He is glad to see me when I come home, comes when I call, and fetches. And I think “retard” is appropriate. Just like I think the reason the warlike krauts lost two wars is it takes too long to say what they mean which leaves them frustrated, and also in part why they lost the last two of their national sporting events.

  16. Mike says:

    @ the person who think “retarded” is offensive. Get over yourself!!!!

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